Childless Woman Sticks Her Oar In

This post is to all the new mommies* out there (the horror! we're too young, people!) who may find themselves grocery shopping with wee kiddlets. It's also a potential chance for me to snark by reverse-implication. (I think. I get lost in that last sentence.) It's not intended as any kind of criticism on your mothering* skills (if you don't follow these tips, for example), just a guide to make grocery shopping easier. Easier for you, easier for the offspring, easier for those around you, and did I mention easier for you?

1. For those with small humans (out of the carseat, still in the cartseat), invest in one of those ridiculous cloth cartseat-liners. Turns out they're useful: protects the fragile kiddie from other germs, protects future cart-handle-biters from your precious one's germs and makes the seat much more comfortable. I've never in 3 years seen a kid in one of these try to climb up and out of the seat. Squirming is kept to a minimum.

2. If shopping cannot be avoided during or around lunchtime, do let the poor child eat something. If you don't like the idea of bribing your impressionable ones, then consider it a toll of sorts. Besides which, it's a blood sugar issue -- people with low blood sugar cannot be reasoned with. My old roommates should know. Clif, Odwalla and Lara bars are all excellent, relatively healthy emergency snacks. Just keep the wrapper for the clerk to scan, and all will be well.

3. If the child is now mobile and out of the cart, try to keep him/her engaged. If they can talk, they have opinions. I once saw a dad shopping with his 3-year-old daughter. She had a kiddie cart and was following him. He stopped at the eggs and said to himself, "Do we need eggs?"
"No," she replied as she drove past the eggs. "But we're out of grapes." I'm not kidding -- if you give them a job, they'll stay with you.

4. Stafety plea: for the love of all that is holy, please do not let kids hang on the carts. This includes letting kids (usually toddlers) stand up inside the basket. Turns out those illustrations on the carts for what not to do are there for a reason. I've seen kids tip over carts with a baby sibling still inside. I've seen cart-surfing kids take a header into a wooden display unit. Just please, please, please keep them safe. Some spills take more than a fruit leather and a kiss to make better.

Finally, this is not a tip but an observation, or a potential tip if I could figure out what to do with it. Kids with or without little carts have a tendency to run into people or get in the way. They get better with age, but a lot of parents get frustrated with the especially short ones. But from the knee-and-butt viewpoint of the kid, what's "in the way"? They just can't necessarily tell where they're supposed to go unless it's spelled out for them. As in, "hold on to my belt loop" or similar.

On a related note, it's gotta smell funny when you're that low to the ground. No wonder kids are obsessed with farts.

*Or daddies/fathering, respectively.